The Biggest Misunderstanding

It’s either true or not, all or nothing.

The biggest misunderstanding is that when you claim birth order determines personality is a myth, people assume that there is no relation what so ever. But there is. And it all lies in the hand of our parents. Scary, I know. Like I said before, just because you were born the first into the family does not mean that you will for sure be the smartest child in the family. However, if your parents give you all the resources possible to excel in life and don’t do the same for your younger siblings, then chances are you will be the smartest. And same thing goes for the youngster in the family. If the parents are much more laid back with the youngest than they were for their other children, that child will grow up with less boundaries and naturally fall into the “wild child” role. I do realize I’m being redundant when I say this, but it’s all up to the parents.

And even if you did know this about the myth, there are still misunderstandings that lie within parenting. The misconception is that you need to treat each child differently based on the order they were born, to be extra careful not to hurt their feelings or forget to show them love. While doing research, I stumbled upon an article devoted entirely to this and instructions on how to raise each one differently. Parents, do not do this! Treat each child the same with the same rules and show them the same amount of love and they will grow to be who they are meant to be.

So What?

Who cares if anyone believes this myth or not? It’s not hurting anyone, is it?

Well actually it could. Put aside all the sad middle children out there and think about the other factors. Once you believe fully that this is who you should be, it’s all over. If there is no point in breaking the stereotype, why try? Believing you have a pre determined destiny to be the person described by these traits can be the harm. If the first born believes that they are destined to be this great leader with all the brains in the world, they might feel too much pressure to live up to that kind of future. They might even think there is something wrong with them if when they realize who they are supposed to be, they are currently a thirty something year old still living at home flipping burgers.

And what if the middle child is totally fine the way they are until one day they hear they are the misfit of the family. They had never noticed it before but now that they know, they begin to look for the clues that they had been so oblivious to before. They could find the most miniscule hint at a problem and use it as proof that they are indeed the misfit and begin to alienate themselves from the family.

And honestly, what’s so bad about knowing that you are charming and loved by most everyone that you meet? Well, a lot actually. Having some article or believer of the myth tell you how well liked you are can only inflate your head. And after that, you may go around not caring about your actions, thinking “well this is who I am and everyone loves it.” This false ego boost can actually cause the opposite, people will like the youngest less if they act all high and mighty.

Media

Most everyone has seen the movie 10 Thing I Hate About You. This is the perfect example of the myth being played out in the media. You have the older sister, Kat, the responsible daughter who doesn’t care what people think. She spends most of her time on her studies determined to get into the college of her dreams, Sarah Lawrence. And then there is the younger sister Bianca. The popular girl at school that spends most of her time thinking about boys and the rest of it figuring ways to get around the strict rules that her father set, rules that Kat graciously follows. These characters fall right into the stereotypes that go along with the myth, the academically driven oldest child and the loveable wild younger child.

Need more proof? How about Full House. I know that everyone has seen this show and can pinpoint right off the bat how each daughter portrays these traits. Let’s start with the youngest for a change. Little Michelle Tanner. Who didn’t love her and her catch phrase “You got it dude”? True she was about 5 when the show ended and there is no way to not love a toddler, but still, you loved her. And how about Stephanie. It may be coincidence that there weren’t many shows centered around her. If you’re like me then all that you imagine when you think of her is the cute little curly haired blonde going around saying “how rude.” Later in the show she didn’t stand out much either, though. Probably because of the peacemaker quality associated with the middle children, if there was no conflict for her, she was shown much. And then there is DJ. Good ole DJ with her huge bangs. Cleary the oldest child always taking control and looking out for her sisters. And when they got into mischief, almost every episode, it was DJ that came to the rescue and solved the problem.

Maybe neither of these portrayals on purpose or perhaps they were. Either way, it feeds into the myth that there are set personality traits for each child.

History

So who started all of this? Where did it come from? Why does this myth even exist??

One of the first theorists to suggest that birth order influences personality was Alfred Adler. His argument was that birth order can leave an impression on one’s style of life, including the way they handle situations such as friendship, work, and love. He claimed that when a second child comes into the picture, the first born are “dethroned” and that may influence them forever. According to Adler, the younger children and only children are spoiled and pampered, which can affect their personalities. Additional birth order factors that he considered are the spacing in years between siblings, the total number of children in the family, and the changing circumstances of the parents over time.

Since Adler's time, the influence of birth order on the development of personality has become a controversial issue in psychology. One of the more modern theories on personality states is the big five. The big five traits are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. These traits are most commonly used in more recent approaches and are often used as a measure when performing studies.

How Should I Think About It?

Let’s forget the whole birth order determines personality thing and focus on the parents. After all, they are the ones that raise us. And that upbringing had more to do with who we are than the order we were born into the family.

The oldest child obviously had the run of the house until the next one came along. They had their parents’ undivided attention. All the love and affection in the world. Then it all changes, mom brings home a baby brother or sister and it’s all over. They are now mommy’s little helper, beginning their responsibilities early, and later they will become the built in babysitter. Then one day mom comes home with another new baby brother or sister. (Side note: the day my little sister came home from the hospital, my brother took a rock and scratched up the side of my mom’s car). This new baby will always be the baby, but will not always be babied. You follow? Mom and dad will always think of them as their precious little angel and give them all their love when they are the last left living at home. By their third child, mom and dad think they have this whole parenting thing figured out. They know all the tricks and become more laid back. The youngest, therefore, has less discipline as the older two did growing up. They are more free to do as they please, leading to their “wild child” persona.

This is where parents go wrong. They parent all their children differently. The oldest gets stuck with all the responsibility of helping out around the house and watching the others when the parents are out. The baby doesn’t get the amount of discipline and orders that the others got. And what about the middle child? What leads to this “middle child syndrome”? Perhaps it’s because they don’t remember ever having all of mom and dad’s undivided attention the way the other two do. Whatever the reason, the better way to think about this myth would be in terms of the parent and their parenting styles.

Watch Out!

Mind traps ahead!

So why do so many people believe the myth? Perhaps it is because they have all fallen victim to all the mind traps out there.

The first is the confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is a selective type of thinking. One will look for the information that supports what they already believe to be true and ignore the information that does not. For example, imagine if you believed that all dogs were too wild to live inside your home. While doing research, you would ignore all the information that pertained to calm quiet dogs and focus all your attention on the stories of dogs that tore apart their owner’s couch. Obviously that is enough to make you never let a dog in your house. Many people can fall into this trap when thinking about the birth order myth. If you have a trait in mind about another person, then you will seek the evidence that fits into what you already believe. Doesn’t make sense? Say I already know that my little sister gets along with just about everyone that she meets. If I look into the myth and see what her traits supposedly are, I will come across the notion that she is said to be loveable and ignore the manipulative trait also associated with the youngest.

Next there is the self serving bias. This is by far the easiest one to fall into. Self serving bias is only noticing the information that benefits you personally and your successes. Basically, everything good said about you is totally true. Unfortunately, as I said before, my brother and sister fell victim to this the second I read them their first traits. And why wouldn’t they? Doesn’t everyone want to believe that every redeeming quality read about them is one hundred percent true? But I bet that not everyone would jump all over the chance to believe this myth if their bad qualities were brought into the light the way us poor neglected middle children have ours.

And finally there is inferring causation from correlation. This says that because A came before B, A must have caused B. Wrong. Let’s all pretend for a minute that my brother is the smartest of us three. He is the oldest, and he is the smartest. But he is not the smartest BECAUSE he is the oldest. The two facts just happen to coincide with each other.

What People Mean

The basic belief is quite explanatory. People believe that just because they know the order that one person was born into the family then they can pinpoint that person’s character traits.

I’ve already briefly mentioned the common traits relating to each child, but let’s take a closer look. The eldest child is said to be the natural leader of the family. They are very serious and determined as well as goal oriented and quite responsible. This responsibility and leader instinct often leads to a bossy attitude later in life, especially with their younger siblings.

The middle child is much more than the poor misfit of the family. They are said to be laid back, outgoing, and social and will often turn more towards their peers to lean on rather than their parents. They are most commonly the peacemaker but often find themselves to be quite competitive, trying to get out of the shadow of their older sibling. They are also said to be the most likely to move far away from home once they are adults.

And then there’s the youngest of the family. The baby that everyone will always think of as being a child. They are charming and affectionate, leading to their lovable quality. By now the parents have the whole parenting thing under control and become more lax when it comes to the youngest child. This lack of discipline leads to the care free wild child aspect often associated with the baby of the family.

And don’t think I forgot about you sibling-less children. You are special. Seriously, that’s what the myth believes. You are the one and only chance your parents have at parenting and they will not mess it up. You are described as creative and a perfectionist with strong language skills. Are you are quite comfortable around adults because you have spent most your time growing up with your parents.

People wrongly assume that these are the roles that are set for each child. They believe that it is true, not a myth.